I'm just one big ball of unnecessary stress right now, and I can't figure out why my brain is on hyperdrive. It's as though it's on a treadmill on max speed with no sign of it slowing down anytime soon. I'm exhausted but I can't go to bed yet cause I'm waiting on a friend to sign on and tell me if things are running smoothly for tomorrow. I'm pretty much running on adrenaline right now and I hope to God that I wear myself out before it's time for bed.
I don't know why I worry about things that haven't caught up with me yet. I feel as though I'm always anticipating something to happen, and I'm constantly on edge because of it. I've noticed how I'm always tense and how I'm always forcing myself to relax. The first few seconds after I wake up are probably my calmest, and then everything comes flooding in and I'm drowning in my worries before I even begin my day. I don't know where all this anxiety comes from, but it's doing a good job tiring me out.
One thing that's eating at me is my god sister is coming here sometime this month to live with us, and I'll be sharing my living space with her since my aunt occupies the guest room on most days. I love her to death, but she can get annoying as hell if I spend enough time with her (which I can rightfully say about anyone cause I feel suffocated when I don't have enough free time to myself). Even though she says she's only staying about two months max, anything can happen to postpone her plans. And that means less sleep and less personal space and less concentration and more tolerating on my part. And I hate to think that I'm merely 'tolerating' anyone, especially when it starts to feel like I'm not enjoying their company anymore. She can be a real freeloader too, and I'm the worst kind that she can be paired off with. I'm overly compassionate
. It's inevitable that I'm going to be lending her money, even when I don't have enough for myself.
And within those two months that she'll be here, my dad will be leaving. He's leaving for the Philippines again on September 9 to pick up his dad (he broke his hip exercising), and I'm already wondering how I'm going to be getting him to the airport since the person who usually plays taxi for us recently got deported. I've never driven out of state, even if it's just in New York. I'm just hoping that I'll stay more on the highway than on the streets of the city, cause the last thing I want to do is to put myself in a sea of yellow, horn-blaring taxi cabs that tailgate each other on a daily basis.
I'm also worried about the school year. My health for the past three or four years has interrupted my studies. I don't want it to anymore. But flare ups can happen at any moment and at any time, and it's so God damn unpredictable and inconvenient. I don't want to waste anymore money and I don't want to keep signing up for half-assed classes just because I'm worried Behcet's will intervene again.
My uncle suggested yoga. My joints are messed up though, and there are some really ridiculous stretches. But I subscribed to a yoga magazine and I'm using the 4-6 weeks that it will get here to at least get into shape and stretch out a little so I won't have too much trouble. And I can just stick to the easier exercises. I think there's a yoga network on OnDemand too, so I won't have to pay for group sessions. Except I'm not sure if that will work out cause I never have access to my television, because my grandfather only cares about himself and thinks he owns the living room couch, the television, and basically everything running on electricity since he pays for that portion of the household bills.
I forgot to mention, but I didn't get a call back from my potential boss. And I'm honestly not worried about it. In fact, I'm a little relieved. I can use some extra time to myself this year, especially since I'm recuperating from the last flare up. I don't know how much longer I'll be in physical therapy, but I think it's working pretty well. I used to shake just while standing, but it isn't that bad anymore.
This is somewhat of a busy week for me. I'm going out with a friend tomorrow for ice cream and bowling and beer. And then I have physical therapy on Thursday, and I'm trying to fit Kevin into my schedule if he has the time. I'd really like to see him before he moves to Syracuse. I'm going to Monnie's birthday party - or at least I think I am. I have to check if she has seats available because I forgot to RSVP. I keep forgetting to ask her. And then there's a meteor shower on the 12th at 9pm, and I'm planning on taking Chrissy, Eric, and Diandra to see it in Nutley cause that's the only place where we can actually see stars. Jersey City is cloaked in smog.
Oh, gosh. I googled images of speculums the other day, just because I was curious. Oh, gosh.
Let's pray I never have to go to an OBGYN. At least anytime soon. D:
Ooh, I went to a flea market
on Sunday and they were selling crossbows for like thirty-two bucks a piece! If only I had a use for it, otherwise it'd just sit on one of my shelves and collect dust. ._.,
Guh. I'm getting addicted to selling stuff on Amazon.
This entry has gotten way too long. And spazzy.